There’s this song on the radio that’s been stuck in my head and has played on repeat up there for a while now.  A part of the chorus has this great atypical melody that’s just different enough to engage my inner music-nerd.  I listen to this line and over and over I echo the lyrics “I can’t change, even if I tried, even if I wanted to”.  I’m engaged by the music, but every time I twist and roll this line in my head, I’m repeating the words.  It isn’t some profound musical achievement or poetic masterpiece.  I just like the tune and it stuck.

But I think people can change.  In fact, i don’t just bet on that or believe that or hold onto that hope.  I know it.  I know people change because I’ve seen it, I’ve witnessed it and I’ve experienced it.  I’ve changed, profoundly and significantly.  But this isn’t a story of self-will, self-help or self-love. Because I did not want to change.  I didn’t take a long hard introspective look at my life and bravely take the road less traveled.  I was pulled into this season kicking and screaming.  And when I stopped kicking and screaming I gave up, completely.  I didn’t pull myself up by my bootstraps and charge into battle.  For a while I didn’t acknowledge there even was a battle.  This also isn’t the story of how I found health, wealth, happiness and success.  While, yes, there have been happy moments and some success, I still have a mountain of debt, chronic medical issues and am no closer to knowing what I want to be when I grow up.

People don’t change because they can’t change themselves.  I can’t make myself change.  I can rubic’s cube around my circumstance to make stuff make sense because it matches up.  I can feel better about my circumstance by altering my perspective or adjusting my attitude.  I can even improve my circumstance by spending less and saving more or micro-managing my time.  But I do not have the power to intrinsically rewire my defaults.  When you strip away psychology and behavior modification, Jedi mind tricks and Unagi (the theory not the sushi, obvi),  I still am inherently selfish, imbalanced, judgmental, obsessive (etc. ad infinitum).

But something happened.  Something slammed into my heart nearly two years ago and shattered the citadel of control, arrogance and defiance I’d built around my guilt, shame, doubt and fear.  And my best efforts to mend, rebuild or rewind failed.  And guess what I realized?  I’m not good enough!  My worst and deepest fear realized in a literal, physical, undeniable way.  I will never be good enough or do enough good to change.

This cataclysmic, heart-slamming shifted everything.  And I know, with every bit of my being, that this “something” was the perfect love and grace of the God who created the universe.   And in His great mercy, knowing my nature, knowing I would try and fail said “I know you can’t…but I can”.  And this Love, this ultimate, sacrificial Love made manifest, covered my failure and forgave.  The realization of this sacrifice and this Love changed my heart.  And my life, as a result, changed.  I changed.

To pull it back full circle- this song that’s playing on repeat in my head IS PROFOUND.  It is a catchy tune attached to some silly words that happen to regurgitate the deep rooted false belief of my own irrelevant effort and meaningless existence.  Play it again, right?  No. I won’t play it again.  And I’ll have to remind myself over and over to turn off that literal and proverbial tape when it plays anyway.  Because the quantifiable fact, the absolutely undeniable truth of my life is that lives are changed by the life and work and love of Jesus Christ.

A pastor shared a conversation he had at the beginning of his 25 year career where an older business professional laid a hand on his shoulder and in a particular flavor of acquired cynicism that only comes with age said, “Bill…people don’t change”.  Bill’s response?  “Well I’m betting my life on the fact that they can and do.”